Chimes Of Clarity

NASA and the Space Shuttle

2011-07-12T19:28:00.002-04:00

Many observers, including the brilliant editorial cartoonist Michael Ramirez, are lamenting the end of the shuttle program and calling it the effective end of NASA. For those who have idolized astronauts over the years, it's unbelievable and disheartening to imagine that the 'star voyagers' are all dressed up with nowhere to go.

But NASA and its contractors have nobody to blame but themselves. Relieved of the immense pressure to land on the moon by the end of the 60s, NASA became a make-work agency and just another federal sugar daddy. It took less than 10 years - with some tragic losses in the persons of Ed White, Roger Chaffee and Gus Grissom - to go from Project Mercury to Tranquility Base yet the shuttle program dragged on for 30 years (with its own tragedies of course).

It goes without saying that the shuttle provided diminishing returns. A good rule of thumb was that the greater the hype about a mission, the less important it really was. Fixing the Hubble was important and didn't need NASA's PR fluff. Giving out rides to foreign astronauts as party favors was quite a bit less crucial.

In the end, NASA allowed PC and PR to serve as very weak substitutes for science and progress. Where is the innovation, research and leadership that might provide a path to a new program? Ideas cost nothing yet we apparently have none to offer. Why should we reward inertia with additional funding?

NASA is an organization that has lost its vision. Here's hoping they will use the post-shuttle era to locate it again.

I've said repeatedly....

2011-01-29T08:47:00.002-05:00

Note: I have tried to keep politics out of this blog but this isn't a political post so much as a post about veracity and personal integrity.

Impressionists, cartoonists, and even historians rely heavily on identifying and amplifying the physical and verbal idiosyncrasies of public figures, especially presidents.

Their constant presence in the media means that their pet phrases and mannerisms become familiar to all (even against our will) as the inevitable caricatures demonstrate.

There was Reagan's "Well..." and a shrug of the shoulders, GHWB41's slow-motion karate chops on the top of the lectern, Clinton's raised index finger, etc.

Obama is a special case, however, as he rarely has anything to say of substance (or truth, if you like) beyond the verbal window dressing.

His "Let me be clear..." has already passed into legend for its annoying frequency of use and its contradictory nature - for what he says after rarely contains one iota of clarity.

Less frequent - but more insidious - is Obama's reliance on the pet phrase "I've said repeatedly." He occasionally changes it to "I've said in the past" or "I've said all along" but it is his go-to phrase especially in one-on-one interviews.

It sounds harmless enough until you realize several things:

1) He will claim to have said something in the past when no evidence of same can be found.

2) He believes that use of this phrase somehow confers a continuity of purpose, philosophy, policy or action when we know full well this is not the case.

3) He believes that an inherently wrongheaded idea or plan somehow gains validity if it exists for an extended period of time.

4) He uses it as a sort of after-the-fact clairvoyance. When the market dips, when home prices fall, when jobs are lost, Obama will claim to have "said repeatedly" that action X, Y or Z should have been taken. Of course, he never gets round to identifying or taking that action BEFORE negative consequences occur.

At the risk of drawing further attention to the more maddening aspects of this intellectual lightweight, I have reached the breaking point with this particular verbal trip hammer of his. It is his umbrella, his shield, his front porch. Count (if you can stand it) the frequency and quantity of "I've said repeatedly." This man cannot stand to be in the wrong. And if he is in the wrong (that is to say, most days), he will claim to have been in the right, safe in the knowledge that nobody within a 100-mile radius of the White House has the nerve nor the initiative to challenge him on the most rudimentary of facts.

Steelers/Jets AFC prediction/analysis

2011-01-23T12:03:00.002-05:00

Hero: BR7

Goat: Roger Goodell, the media and the officials. The media have devoted 75% of airtime to 25% of the AFC/NFC finalists i.e. the New York Jets. Steeler fans may welcome the lack of intrusions but what about the Bears & Packers who are the NFL's two oldest franchises both with incredible histories and a storied border rivalry all of it played in mostly brutal weather? All we're getting from reporters in Chicago are a load of by-the-numbers pregame updates. Meanwhile, extended segments on the Life And Times Of Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez And The Rest Of God's Chosen People Including The Fans Most Of Whom Are Wearing Chrebet #80 Jerseys are on heavy rotation.

Goodell and the NFL earn goat horns for putting a game in the CENTRAL time zone ahead of a game played in the EASTERN time zone. Who cares if it's a New York team? It's preposterous to believe that all four sets of fans won't be watching regardless of kickoff time, especially when it's 8 ****ing degrees out across the northern US and everyone is indoors already. Further proof that Manhattanites view the large landmass beyond the bridges and tunnels as a foreign land full of rubes who deserve what they get and are lucky to get it.

There's no need to wait until gametime to decry officials' bias. Think they don't know the NFL along with Jets TV, er, ESPN, is absolutely dying to get the Jets to the Super Bowl?

Let's all take a moment to remember Tim Donaghy. Sleazy crooked basketball official who was in thrall to the bookies, they said. The NBA and its media partners did their level best to discredit and destroy him but they could do nothing about his claims that the league demanded and engineered desired outcomes of certain games and playoff series - probably because the claims were true! David Stern lost his permanent smirk for a few weeks while he worked feverishly to stifle coverage of that subject. Several years on NBA fans (hands up, both of you) are supposed to believe that, gee whiz, the Finals matchup is just a one of those flukes (again)!

The NFL does its outcome-tilting with a bit more style due to the larger audience involved but there are a host of issues such as advertising (read: big markets come first) that are higher on the list than objectivity. The replay system, ostensibly designed to aid officials and 'get the call right' has become another tool for the league office to influence results from afar while providing cover for the on-field officials since all parties can blame an inanimate object - deus ex machina. NFL referees don't make calls; they make speeches. But if the rulebook - lovingly cared for and modified by the competition committee (themselves inherently biased since they attempt to alter the rules to favor their own franchises) - is unambiguous why the need for the Hamlet soliloquy? It's because trotting out a load of codswallop enables the 'neutral' NFL to make a show of claiming the referee 'interpreted the rule correctly/incorrectly' - all after the fact of course and if your team took it in the shorts better luck next year. Shouldn't they all get together BEFORE the season to agree on interpretation of rules?

The point is: if there is a close call it will favor the Jets. The Steelers should be prepared for it and brush aside any feelings of surprise, anger, injustice, etc. In fact, they should assume that they are down 7-0 at the beginning of the game and make no less than a 14-point margin their target in order to mitigate the tinge of green that will be visible on the black and white striped officiating crew.

Outcome: 23-17 Steelers. The only problem with advancing so far in the playoffs is that Bruce Arians looks at himself in the mirror and convinces himself (again) that the team is winning due to, not in spite of, his trickery and guile. Like Robert Stack in 'Airplane!' who orders the runway lights turned off because 'that's just what they'll be expecting,' Arians will serve up a contrarian game plan that uses the most talented players as decoys and ignores high-percentage plays regardless of down and distance. Everyone is obsessed with the matchups between the Steeler starting WRs and the Jets DBs but that will likely be a stalemate. Loads of passes underneath to the sure-handed Heath Miller seem to make eminent good sense but Miller will find himself ignored again. Arians will pass even when the defense is ripe to give up running yards simply because he views it as a contest of oneupmanship with Rex Ryan. Let us not forget that last week's offensive game-changer came about because BR7 vetoed Arians' original playcall.

The Arians/Tomlin axis will settle for field goals and make the game closer than it should be - a regrettable Pittsburgh 'tradition' since Chuck Noll was in charge and certainly continuing during the Cowher era. The Jets will get a TD from an INT, PR or KOR which will give them a huge emotional lift in addition to the free 7 points. LeBeau will make extensive use of the nickel as he attempts to prevent Braylon Edwards et al from running streak patterns all day while relying on a 3-man rush and his trusty LBs.

Intangibles: the Jets' reaction to finally vanquishing their division mate Patriots was somewhat over-the-top and one is reminded of the Arizona Cardinals' giddy reaction to winning the NFC title game especially in contrast to that of the Steelers who, after winning the AFC, symbolically shrugged their shoulders on the way to packing their bags for the real prize. Perhaps only Barack Obama has enjoyed better PR from the East Coast press than Mark Sanchez but he is still a 2nd year QB and facing a defensive coordinator with, oh, only 50 years' more experience in the game. Let's hope the virus known as false confidence infects both Sanchez and his offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer.

The TSA are not 'serving with honor.'

2010-11-20T21:13:00.001-05:00

To the TSA worker quoted in this Techdirt article:

If something doesn’t change in the next two weeks I don’t know how much longer I can withstand this taunting. I go home and I cry. I am serving my country, I should not have to go home and cry after a day of honorably serving my country.

Er, no. People in the ARMED FORCES are serving their country. At a stretch you could say that FBI, CIA and certain other groups are serving also. You simply took a job with the federal government with an eye on the inflated pay for menial work, ridiculously extravagant benefits and retirement, and where being fired is virtually unheard of despite the incompetence and sloth on display. You're no different from a GSA slob mowing grass somewhere.

There is no honor in what you are doing. You have been brainwashed along with the rest of your TSA brethren. Forget all the PowerPoints, videos and paperwork that DHS/TSA handed you when you signed up. Snap out of your personal Stanford Prison Experiment and try to remember that these are your fellow citizens and beyond that they are human beings with rights, personal space and dignity which you are violating under the false pretense of providing security.

The passengers are REASONABLE persons reacting to UNREASONABLE searches and INEXCUSABLE transgressions against their person and their rights guaranteed under the Constitution. Stop pretending to be the injured party and if you really want to quit then do it now. And take as many of your colleagues with you as you can manage.

On 'underage' drinking

2010-09-06T22:31:00.000-04:00

The most effective way to combat underage drinking is to lower the drinking age to 18 (or possibly 19) again.

Simple? Silly? Self-evident? Perhaps. But it will work.

All of the bluster about alcohol (binge drinking etc.) ignores one fact: for 3/4 of an undergraduate population alcohol is forbidden fruit due to the 21 age restriction. Yes some bars will allow 18-and-up in and we all know that (wink wink) these 18+ customers MIGHT have a tipple or two.'

But prohibition and an arbitrary age limit simply increase demand. In the case of college students the demand and the prohibition set up a challenge, a game to be won at all costs. Consumption of alcohol in moderation is, or was, a rite of passage into adulthood. Social drinking is called that for a reason. When alcohol becomes contraband then access to that contraband can become an obsession. When the object of the obsession is obtained the next logical (?) step is to go absolutely hog-wild. Overconsumption becomes the norm because in the back of the mind of every underage drinker is "when and where will I have access to alcohol again?"

The 21 drinking age has failed on two fronts: it has failed to prevent or even reduce consumption; indeed, it has increased it in many cases. Worse, it has created hundreds if not thousands of unsupervised speakeasies in the form of dorm rooms, apartments, off-campus houses, etc. where social drinking i.e. a public display of being able to consume and still function as a rational human being is nowhere to be found. Instead, interaction is limited to drinking-oriented games (e.g. beer pong) and constant exhortations to consume stupor-inducing quantities of alcohol (beer bongs, shots, etc.).

In sum, the 21 drinking age is an overreach that stands the process of socialization on its head and forces students who choose to drink into a state of arrested development. They remain children but they are children with easy access to oceans of beer and spirits rather than young adults who frequent licensed venues in order to drink, yes, but also to (hopefully) continue the process of maturation via interaction.

Requiem for a friend

2010-08-16T23:00:00.005-04:00

A friend died. A friend I haven't seen in months and who might not even consider me a friend since he treated so many like friends upon meeting them. But maybe that's why he had so many friends...real friends.

This poor bloke was born with a variety of congenital heart defects and suffered through surgeries and frequent trips to specialists and out-of-town clinics. It's a horrible cliche to employ but he dealt with it a hundred times better than I ever would have. His poor mother and father employed gallows humor by the truckload but obviously they worried...but not enough to exempt him from the family squabbles that served as live entertainment for me and other patrons of their restaurant/bar business.

At one point the friend's heart was reported to be operating only at 10% of capacity. He was put at the tail end of the transplant priority list if he was listed at all due to a variety of other factors.

One night he was working like mad behind the bar and turned literally white as he fought for breath and sweated profusely. It scared me almost as much as it must have scared him.

I'm ashamed that so much time passed since I last was able to see him in person and I'm gutted that I will never have a pint and a chat with him. Even more distraught for his family, of course - two brothers and a mother and a father who must perform grim duties no parent should ever have to face.

I don't believe in ghosts but I do believe that hearing about someone's death causes us to think intensely about that person...where we saw them last...what we talked about or did together. This concentration, I believe, causes us to 'see' the departed whenever we go to a certain place, hear a certain song, or engage in certain activities.

Farewell, Matt. I won't forget you and while I'm on this earth I will no doubt 'see' you quite often, such is your positive and lasting impact on me.

British Virgin Islands: Service With A Shrug

2010-04-22T17:14:00.001-04:00

A true story

The scene: Road Town, British Virgin Islands (BVI)

The time: present day, early afternoon

The location: The Batcave/Spaghetti Junction - a bar/restaurant catering (?) to the boating/cruising/tourist crowd.

Actual facts and conversations:

2 PM
Myself: "I would like a Carib lager."

Waitress: "We only have the regular." (note: Carib Lager IS 'regular'!)

2:05 PM
Myself: "I would like the chicken fajitas."

2:30 PM
Food arrives. It is a chicken (?) kebab on a bed of rice. No fajitas visible. No iron skillet, no tortillas, no sizzling vegatables, etc.

Myself: "I'm sorry but I don't think this is what I ordered."

Food taken away without comment.

2:35 PM
Waitress: "I didn't hear you. I didn't know you wanted the fajitas. Anyway we are out of chicken."

Myself: "OK - how about shrimp fajitas then?"

2:55 PM
Waitress: "You can't have fajitas because we are out."

Myself: "But didn't the person sitting at the next table have fajitas (iron skillet, etc.)?"

Waitress: "Yes."

Myself: "Was that the last batch or something?"

Waitress: "(Latching onto an excuse) yes that was the last batch!"

Myself: "Can I order something else please?"

Waitress: "No because it's 3 PM and the kitchen is closed."

You rang?

2010-04-15T14:55:00.003-04:00

We all go to Wal-Mart even if some of us don't admit it.

Have you ever loaded a basket or a cart up with purchases only to see 24 checkout lanes - with a grand total of 3 of them open? Have you ever waited for an eternity at the returns counter while the clerks play Sherlock Holmes, investigating each item and each person in depth?

Whether you love or hate Wal-Mart, here is the quickest way to get personalized attention from the top dog store manager: take a video camera. I watched two girls shooting a student project in front of a Wal-Mart (they were simply using it as a backdrop). In 20 seconds or less the name-badged manager was fairly sprinting out to the front of the store to challenge the girls and ask how they dared to use his precious front wall as a backdrop.

At that point they had mostly finished their shoot but it's obvious that the fear of God has been drummed into Wal-Mart managers where PR is concerned. Yes it's private property and yes they have a right to rules and enforcement but I did find it ironic that such an immediate response could be elicited from such an innocuous stimulus.

Formulaic Film Trailers

2010-01-22T09:31:00.003-05:00

Four reasons I stopped going to the cinema:

1) Fellow patrons who have forgotten their manners completely if they ever had them to begin with. Mobile phone users this means you.

2) Commercials before films. I'm hardly the first to say it but the idea of paying to watch ads is the kind of marketing-run-amok madness that brings together the worst excesses of commercialism: loud, scatterbrained and abusive of its captive audience's intelligence. The PSAs are worse with their herky-jerky camera and hackneyed nu-metal music.

3) The films themselves. There are supposedly creative people producing, directing and acting in films; we are told this every year during award season. Why, then, are there so many remakes, sequels and shameless ripoffs? 'Reboots' are a hot trend - granted it's interesting to see how different filmmakers present already-familiar stories (mostly of comic book superheroes) but if you know the origin of a hero then you already know most of the film's plot. Political correctness has all but killed the entire comedy genre - the only individuals allowed to act like buffoons and suffer injury or humiliation are young white males.

4) Finally there are the trailers. After you have been assaulted visually and audibly by commercials the trailers come on. There must be some sort of unspoken competition between the editors of these previews to see how many cuts they can insert into a 30- or 60-second spot. It's the cinematic equivalent of an epileptic seizure. I daresay a trailer editor could make a Merchant-Ivory period drama look like a Michael Bay smash-em-up. The over-the-top husky-voiced narration has been parodied mercilessly for years yet they continue to contract with the same voice talent regardless of studio or film genre.

These days the trailers are also spoilers. In an effort to pique audience interest those making the trailer can't resist inserting some of the impressive effects shots from the film's climax. But in doing so they make it very easy for experienced (if cynical) audiences to deduce the protagonist, antagonist and plot. If I can watch the film in a minute why would I sit through two hours of it?

But the worst part of the trailers are the zinger lines. In the context of a complete film they are glaringly obvious when suddenly there is a pause in the action or the dialogue and Character X utters the zinger line. It's usually generic i.e. not a reference to any character or situation within the plot of the film and it's usually a pathetic attempt by the screenwriter(s) to coin a catchphrase. In part I blame Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose wooden 'acting' had his various writers scrambling for something he could deliver in deadpan style since he had no other style to offer. Hence 'I'll be back' went from a throwaway line in the first Terminator film to a touchstone in T2 and the rest of the franchise. The zinger line is generally placed at the end of the trailer or just before the end when split-second of action (a vampire or zombie alighting on a character's neck, an explosion triggered, a shot fired, etc.) is shown with an immediate cut to a black screen. These aren't clever lines like 'We're going to need a bigger boat' (which was an ad-lib anyway), they are simply pointless momentary ego trips for the actor, writer and director.

One could probably invent a party game (and maybe someone already has) with real and fictional zinger lines from films. Let's play!

"Here we go!"
"You can't do that here"
"Hang on!"
"Where is your brother?"
"Where did they go!?!?"
"I can't believe it!"
"Full power now!"
"This is what it's all about"

Which are real and which are fake? It doesn't matter - and that's the point. They are cheap irrelevant throwaways employed by 'creative' people who should know better. The game of oneupmanship may be fascinating to them but it has driven me from the cinema completely.

Why 70s Kids Appreciate The Internet

2010-01-21T14:51:00.008-05:00

To those who lived it, the elementary and secondary education system in the 1970s was one continuous flow of urban myths occasionally interrupted by classes, recess and vacations. Forget about weak tea like Richard Gere or Jamaicans breaking into houses and photographing their exploits in the master bathroom - in the 70s urban myths were invented, repeated, reinforced and in too many cases completely believed by the young and relatively innocent.

Inquisitive minds were hardly sated by schoolwork and youth's appetite for adrenaline still meant kickball, basketball, '500' (semi-brutal football game in which a dozen or more vie to catch a thrown ball), bike rides and front lawn activities such as tag and statues. In the downtime that accompanied these activities a kind of communal flight of fancy would take place. 70s decadence was a bit of a puzzle to the average square suburban kid who couldn't figure out why Dad suddenly got his hair permed or why Mom went with the gold reflective wallpaper in the family room. In response to this crazy quilt of images from posters, record album covers, comic books and Tolkien-inspired fiction and games, myths and legends began to flow freely long before MSNBC got in on the act.

Did you hear about Rod Stewart? Did you know Elton John has a pair of glasses with windshield wipers? What about that creepy house down the street? What about that kid who drowned at the high school in a neighboring suburb? Did you know if you lay down and I rub your temples for 5 minutes you will start to hallucinate and act like a madman? Do you know what the symbols on Led Zeppelin's 'Runes' album (aka LZ IV) stand for? Did you know that Gene Simmons of Kiss had his own tongue removed and had a much larger cow's tongue transplanted? It's why he can pierce it without pain every night to draw the blood he spits out during concerts!

The 'big kids' never seemed to run short of these Believe It Or Not stories nor did they tire of telling them in dramatic fashion - their reward was a string of gasps, open mouths and of course the 70s refrain of 'No Way!'

Of course, expressing disbelief or even suspicion was usually considered bad form and the assembled throng would beat you down verbally for daring to question such a fascinating, if far-fetched, tale!

Back then computers were huge things your dad worked with (for unknown purposes) and they involved punch cards and reel-to-reel magnetic tape. If you were lucky your local TV market had three network affiliates, a UHF station and possibly an independent that expended the minimal amount of effort possible to bring you cartoons and reruns of The Brady Bunch and Hogan's Heroes. Is it any wonder so many can effortlessly recite dozens of Brady episodes and lines verbatim?

But computers, of course, went from oddities seen in a science or children's museum to becoming conduits for information every bit as crucial and addictive as that old color television set (to quote Greg Brady).

(By the way, what constitutes a television 'set?' There's only one television and it is a self-contained unit. Is the tube, tuner, speaker and antenna considered a set? Could any of these function without the others in terms of delivering sound and vision? Granted the term 'set' has all but vanished but it stuck around for many years.)

The Internet came along with those mysterious-but-powerful search engines (remember Webcrawler?). In true 70s kid form we ignored topics like genetics, the reign of Louis XIV, the Civil War and the history of smallpox and instead scrutinized every corner of cyberspace for answers to the burning questions of our (younger) day. Some set up sites like http://snopes.com to help those similarly afflicted with urbanmythitis. In true support group fashion we shattered as many myths as we could for each other and for our own sanity. Did we feel relief? Of course. Anger? A bit perhaps, directed at ourselves for being so gullible for so long or even for repeating the lies. But mostly we felt a sense of relief and completion. We finally walked by that creepy house down the street - at night! - and lived to tell the tale.

It's just too bad there aren't any 'little kids' left to impress with our 'courage' - they all have the Internet too.

Is that all there is?

2010-01-08T09:21:00.001-05:00

The BCS Championship Game was a damp squib thanks to Colt McCoy's early exit from the game although Texas showed a bit of spirit and got it close.

The satellite was already in the network-affiliate neighborhood so I punched down to the next channel which was the CBS affiliate and was treated to the, er, spectacle of Rachel Maddow appearing on David Letterman's show.

Speaking of spectacles, Maddow had chosen a none-more-hip pair of bowling-ball blue Buddy Holly frames that had either cost a fortune or had been stolen from the science lab at PS 143.

I admit that I'm an MSNBC neophyte strictly because there's no legitimate reason to watch it is there? As such I hadn't been exposed to Maddow before but she was unleashing such a nonstop stream of nonsense that I was fascinated in a train-wreck sort of way.

Her delivery and message were hardly unique; we've seen the same smug eye-rolling from dozens of others especially before and after the most recent election. It was the usual dorm room boy-aren't-these-right-wingers-evil stuff. Forget the content for a moment - is something this redundant worthy of a nightly show?

You will all be relieved to know that Maddow has declared the recession over, the economy sound and every single Obama policy an unqualified success. Maddow seemed unable to deliver any sentence without a smirk so I'm not sure if she was pulling our leg but she certainly seemed in earnest. According to her 'even conservatives are admitting the stimulus worked' which is four lies in one short sentence - surely some kind of record. I know of no conservative in favor of the plan before, during or since. I have heard no 'admission' from anyone because there are no facts that would support such an admission. The term 'stimulus' has joined 'change' as a misnomer and a punchline avoided even by most loyal Obama supporters. Finally, as the so-called stimulus was designed strictly to toss more cash into the governmental abyss claiming it 'worked' is a dubious honor at best.

Even the Eleanor Clifts of the world have cancelled their order to place Obama's face on Mt Rushmore but in Maddow the president still has one true believer. Even Copenhagen had a positive outcome (?!) because, according to her, 'the US will make a gesture.' One can only imagine how many billions that 'gesture' will require.

Letterman was eating it up and chuckled through Maddow's declarations although not a single drop of humor was contained therein. The chat-show Casanova did have the presence of mind to point out that things got really grim in 2009 (remember, it's just ducky now in 2010) and that unemployment was still at 10% or higher. Mere details according to Maddow who trotted out the old 'lagging indicator' line but enunciated it as if she had worked out the formula for Coca-Cola. No mention was made of the obvious fact that this 'lagging indicator' has been worsening after all the wonderful and effective Obama policies were enacted. Maddow looked out at the audience when delivering this line as if she expected gasps of wonder at her brilliance but said audience, probably already disappointed that they got a mousy policy wonk instead of an actress or a musician, were singularly unimpressed. Could it be because they have familiy and friends out of work at present?

Letterman, dutifully feeding lines as if to a visiting comic, then turned to Dick Cheney of all people. Cheney is obviously driving them crazy because every criticism he levels at Obama is hitting its target dead center. Cheney is a man running for nothing and needing nothing from his party or politics in general. At present he's simply a prominent private citizen demonstrating, once again, that The Truth Hurts. Even Maddow had nothing when it came to Cheney. The best she could muster was that Cheney said very little publicly while in office as Vice President but he seems quite garrulous today (damn him). That's pretty weak tea from any liberal given a free pass to rip into their bête noire but it was reassuring in a way because it demonstrated that apart from petty ad hominem attacks they have absolutely nothing when it comes to the former veep.

In the end it appeared to be nothing more than a run-down of liberal talking points but the dynamic was quite interesting. Rachel Maddow has obviously been built up as the anti-Coulter - a polar opposite in sexuality, appearance and of course opinion. But whereas Coulter's humor is predicated on holding up a mirror to the lefty circus (no funhouse distortion required) and their never-ending parade of sleaze, Maddow really had nothing more than stock-standard Air America we're-smart-and-they're-dumb haughtiness with some nervous laughter posing as wit thrown in.

Rachel Maddow seems to have much in common with tourist traps like The Blue Hole or The Thing?: relentlessly promoted, claimed to be seen by everyone and a reputation wildly out of proportion to reality. Like a family in a hot car trudging towards their beach rental and desperate to distract their bored kids, I admit I stopped and looked but at least I know now that I wasn't missing anything.

Who's gonna fill their shoes?

2009-09-29T09:55:00.012-04:00

Country music has become as organic as a Fruit Roll-Up but the slide has been especially severe in recent years.

Decades ago George Jones asked 'Who's gonna fill their shoes?' in reference to the departed and aging greats such as Hank Williams, Roy Acuff. Surely we can put the Old Possum in that august group in 2009.

This isn't just a 'Hot New Country is horrible' rant (although HNC is quite horrible along with the hackneyed videos that accompany it) - it's an actual note of panic over the state of America's homegrown music, more specifically vocal talent. Virtuoso instrumentalists are everywhere these days although the Brent Masons and Brad Paisleys will always stand apart. But where are the unique voices? Take away Dolly Parton's over-the-top glamour and she still has an unmistakable sound. Randy Travis, Dwight Yoakam, Steve Earle, Tammy Wynette (RIP), and of course Miss Loretta Lynn.

Who are we left with? LeAnn Rimes? Certainly a talent but apparently more interested in getting her kit off rather than singing now that she's shed the baby fat. Taylor Swift? How long have you got? Could anyone take her out of her record production and/or stage show and pick her voice out of a lineup of generic local talent-show aspirants? What about her male counterpart Toby Keith? It didn't seem possible to make three-chord country any more generic and repetitive but against all the odds Keith has done it along with his unremarkable trucker-on-the-toilet grunting. Kenny Chesney? There was some substance there once but Chesney's voice has been harmonized/compressed into an unrecognizable form and has disappeared along with his hair. "This is our moment/this is our time" - hmm sounds like a recent political campaign and it's just as meaningless. Chesney's campaign to capture the Buffett beach crowd now that JB is getting on is incredibly cynical even for a Nashville type like him.

Can anyone imagine George Jones, Johnny Cash or Tanya Tucker attempting to get a record deal nowadays? If the 'looks police' didn't throw them out on the street first the record company types would most likely claim that they didn't have the country sound. The mind boggles.

So what are we left with? One 'hat act' after another on the male side and musically interchangeable blond sexpots on the female? How long can an audience eat fast food before it ceases to have any taste at all? It appears we are about to find out to our detriment.

Sort it out Microsoft

2009-08-26T19:27:00.003-04:00

Microsoft has been stung by shedloads of bad press about their products - some justified, some not.

They have been proactive in notifying users and pushing out updates but at what point do the bandages completely envelope and outweigh the body?

What They Won't Admit - Why West Virginia And Rich Rodriguez Need Each Other

2009-07-16T08:53:00.008-04:00

I have typically avoided specific locales, subjects, etc. that might tend to identify me but let's just say that despite not being involved with the West Virginia University football program I have intimate knowledge about the goings on there mostly since Rich Rodriguez took over in 2001.

The story is well known and long debated. West Virginians and WVU alumni (not always the same group) added another gear (incredibly) to their long-established reputation as wild-eyed it's-us-or-them fanatics. Was Rod disloyal? In his mind no but the facts point to a different conclusion especially in light of the unintentional dry run with Alabama the year before. Were WVU, the athletic director and the various self-important lieutenants inflexible? Again the answer has to be yes else why would Rod walk away from his dream job given remarkable success on the field (the 2007 Pitt game result notwithstanding)?

Both sides and their supporters have plenty of factual and anecdotal evidence to support their claims and there is still enough raw emotion to fuel tears, ulcers and arguments for a lifetime.

Those emotions may keep Rich Rodriguez and West Virginia (the state, the university, the alumni, the fans and West Virginia as a state of mind) separated in the short term and perhaps forever but stranger things have happened in life and especially sports.

With that lengthy preamble it's time to drop the outrage, the lawsuits, the depositions and admit one basic fact: Rich Rodriguez and WVU belong together. Any current coach in college football would not and does not fit in the WVU head coach's role as well as Rodriguez. And Rodriguez will be a fish out of water whereever he may ply his trade outside Morgantown, WV.

1) Rodriguez is still young and vibrant - it's become almost a cliche'. Messy scandals involving governors' daughters and WVU's largest private donor aside, a new president is in place who knows nothing about the battles of the past. He would be an ally for Rodriguez who had to fight singlehandedly against many hidebound individuals and policies carried over to this day from the Don Nehlen era.

2) Speaking of Don Nehlen, his lineage appears to have been restored with the appointment of Bill Stewart as WVU head coach. Stewart is 'the real deal' (one of his favorite phrases). It's no hyperbole to say that he is a God-fearing family man who started panning for gold at the river's edge and eventually occupied a stately home on the mountaintop. He has done it all in amateur football for meager pay, long hours and little recognition. He may be the most appreciative occupant of a head coaching position in the nation and will probably remain that way perhaps forever.

But the Stewart/Nehlen mentality is different. Sportsmanship and fraternal love within a team are great things and they are heavily promoted under this restoration. But what about the football? Bumper crops of recruits are announced but the mentality seems to be a throwback as well. WVU will be a ham-and-egger like Rocky Balboa hoping to throw a devastating uppercut...except there are no Apollo Creeds to fight. The Big East is simply not a strong conference despite the strides made by Louisville (already slipping fast), Cincinnati, Rutgers (also slipping) and USF (not there yet).

The point of all this is that the Big East's reputation, membership and the defection of Miami and Virginia Tech (and BC to a lesser degree) combined with Stewart's nice-guy approach mean that WVU football will probably be viewed - once agan - as a 'strong program' but on the outside looking in at BCS and even national championship contention.

3) Rodriguez and Michigan. It doesn't work. It won't work. Ever seen a Yankee suburbanite try to 'country' it up when they are with (in their minds) hicks, rednecks, Southerners, etc.? It's awkward and embarrassing. Michigan loves its football and it's got a rather large outdoor library, er, stadium to prove it. Their attempts to shower this new arrival in Ann Arbor with love have been half-hearted at best. Perhaps some credit is due them - they recognize a carpetbagger when they see one. Rodriguez and Schembechler are not miles apart in terms of on-field antics although their private demeanors differ greatly. Football is football whether it's the Wing-T or the Spread Option. There is a cultural gap that will never be bridged.

Then there's the small matter of winning football games. Rod hasn't done it at Michigan. When he's trying to recruit a point guard from Duke's basketball program to play quarterback you know that desperation has set in on all sides.

4) The Big Ten. A moribund conference with a single superpower (Ohio State). Its lesser lights were once dangerous sleeper teams (Purdue, Minnesota, Michigan State) but the quality of football in those programs and in the conference as a whole has declined quickly. Huge alumni bases and locked-in television contracts mean that the Big Ten will remain in the public eye despite the problems but the matchups aren't there. Rod thought it would be the SEC of the North but it's more like the MAC with bigger stadiums.

Which brings us back to Rod and WVU. In a few years' time the landscape will be different on and off the field. WVU's power brokers will change - a new president is already in place. Athletic Director Ed Pastilong is planning his exit even if he hasn't announced it. The governor is in his second (and final) term and waiting for nonagenerian Senator Robert Byrd to pass from this earth or retire so that he may tap himself on the shoulder and seamlessly move into the office of US Senator.

One thing Rod has lacked throughout this affair is proper PR. He may think that a football coach doesn't need it or that he can provide himself but it's a 24-hour job now and coaches have other duties and priorities. A hard-as-nails lawyer/agent issuing threats and denials isn't the answer either. An appearance here, a speech there, a radio interview...small doses and manageable bites are what he needs to begin the healing process. West Virginians are excitable - too excitable - when it comes to celebrities and get star-struck very easily. It explains their choice of elected officials to a large extent.

Without any ill will directed at Bill Stewart & staff, Rod can and should be the next head coach at West Virginia. The timing may just work out perfectly for both and when the opportunity presents itself we can only hope that the red mist will have subsided enough for fans to think about the future and not the past.

Put Up Your Dukes!

2009-04-25T11:27:00.005-04:00

Roger Ebert created a cottage industry with his dictionary of film cliches. Celluloid stalwarts such as the fruit cart (or any other mode of transport groaning under the weight of loose items that go flying when the protagonist or antagonist careens into it) and the Fallacy of the Talking Killer (giving the hero enough time to free himself) are enshrined in Ebert's dictionary.

http://academic.sun.ac.za/forlang/bergman/tech/glossary/ebert_glos.htm

May I humbly offer another entry? I call it:

Put Up Your Dukes!

Definition: regardless of the availability and advanced technology of weapons seen throughout a film (missiles, guns, killer robots) and the physical distance between them in the early stages, the hero and the villain will inevitably be brought face to face with only their fists as weapons. The hero will also be placed in a near-death situation (chokehold, dangling from ledge of building) but engineer a complete and unexpected (?) reversal leaving the villain to die the horrible death he had planned for the hero.

Corollary 1: The villain may engage in a Talking Killer soliloquy but it's usually of the short epitaph variety ("Sorry Jack but you had your chance!" etc.). The hero will refrain from any speechmaking until the villain meets his grisly end at which point the hero will utter something pithy, ironic and/or memorable (the screenwriter hopes) through clenched teeth.

Corollary 2: Chase sequences leading up to the Dukes scenario will culminate on abandoned industrial estates, in vacant aircraft hangars or in abandoned factories that nevertheless have full lighting and power (who's paying those bills?). Security personnel can be present in order to dive out of the way of cars, bullets, tanks, etc. in slow motion but will never interfere with the action thereafter and will never trigger an alarm or call the police.

If you want variety in the food, change the ingredients

2009-04-24T08:47:00.003-04:00

It's always amusing to read sportswriters complain about the formulaic and repetitive comments they get from athletes and coaches.

But to date not a single writer has taken his media colleagues to task for the formulaic and predictable questions they ask. Now that the post-game press conference has become formulaic and predictable itself (with advertising hoardings behind the big table with its lone microphone) the likelihood of anything original, controversial or thoughtful being said is approaching nil as a limit. Leagues believe quite wrongly that spontaneous or controversial comments are bad for business when nothing could be further from the truth. Unfortunately the unblinking eye of round-the-clock coverage from ESPN et al have insured that platitudes are on the menu day after day with the occasional inflammatory comment surreptitiously recorded or reported to stoke the meager fires of so-called rivalries.

Spur-of-the-moment comments borne of excitement, anger or other emotions are the most memorable and often the best keepsakes of a particular team or game from Joe Namath's hey-wait-a-minute guarantee to Chuck Noll calling the Raiders' secondary a criminal element to Kevin Keegan's 'I would luv it' tirade against Sir Alex Ferguson and Manchester United.

The US press need to take a long look at themselves and their questions. Press conference questions that practically answer themselves are lazy and frankly irresponsible considering the press' high opinion of themselves and their intellect. Watch any post-match interview in English football. There are some open-ended questions to be sure but often the reporter will throw a manager off-balance with a challenging question that addresses specifics and demands frankness. The managers usually play along despite the knowledge that their minor annoyance with a player or a referee will be converted to screaming headlines in the next day's tabloids.

Cynical beat writers and columnists need to increase the distance - literally and figuratively - between themselves and the teams they cover. They need to ask themselves if repetitive answers are actually the product of repetitive questions.

Too much to ask?

2009-04-16T23:26:00.001-04:00

Google Desktop - I love you. You are always 'on the side' providing information and all manner of gadgetry.

BUT WHY - WHY??? do you take so long to load? Why do you thrash my hard disk like you've got a grudge against it? Is displaying the day/date/time and the weather such an enormous undertaking?

Ten reasons the 1970s were the apex of pop/sports culture

2009-04-07T17:58:00.011-04:00

1) Gape Kaplan

Teacher was a bit of a stretch...but..a basketball coach? Brilliant! Far more daring than Gene Hackman.

2) Steeler Pimps

Those tam-and-platform-heel-wearing dudes wearing black and gold leisure suits on the sidelines at Steelers home games - they are visible in footage of the Immaculate Reception. What were they exactly? Pimps with field passes? The Pittsburgh version of male cheerleaders? No wait scratch that - the Steelers didn't have cheerleaders.

3) Slap Shot

More characters and memorable lines than the entire active membership of the Writers Guild could ever concoct and most of those characters and lines were drawn from real life.

4) Neckties

As in those ties the approximate length and width of living room drapes that poor coaches had to try and keep knotted. Admittedly incomplete without accompanying muttonchop sideburns and some form of hair tonic in use.

Possibly irrelevant fact: did you know Ralph Lauren's Polo empire was started in 1967 when he peddled those ridiculous wide ties?

5) Sports Illustrated

It was the 1970s. There was no Internet. SI was really all we had except for a few uninspiring competitors such as Sport with its cryptic title font (way too avant-garde then and now).

SI's weekly arrival in the mailbox presented a conundrum - read the whole thing in a frenzy of gluttony? Or...you could savor each morsel including the letters section (called the 19th Hole, it appeared in the back of the magazine rather than the front and was edited by the immortally-named Gay Flood) and even Faces In The Crowd even when you really weren't interested in the no-hitters pitched by Sally Smith in the South Dakota high school softball tournament.

Admit it - when you think of big 70s sports moments you are just as likely to recall the SI cover as you are the event itself.

6) Super Bowl Halftime Shows...more specifically Super Bowl Halftime Shows That Are Properly Treated As Meaningless Time-Killing Filler Because That's What They Really Are.

Up With People is a sportswriter's go-to gag when he's facing a deadline and doesn't want to miss the free buffet but for some in the 21st century the Super Bowl halftime has become a referendum on the viability of entertainment in Western Civilization. Since the 1970s the Super Bowl halftime has been co-opted by media conglomerates pushing talentless cat-suited popettes doing atrocious lip-synchs or by wrinkly rockers seeding ticket sales for their summer ampitheatre tours. All the while an army of unpaid local schoolkids suckered in by the chance to be ‘part of the show’ prances around in leotards while being ignored by one and all.

Those who believe USA Today's AdMeter has redeeming scientific value will probably be shocked to learn that Super Bowl halftimes in the 70s featured...marching bands! Strike a fortissimo note of triumph for the 1970s.

7) Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders

Before Hooters and before there were strip clubs in the smallest of towns (how can you live in a municipality of 1,500 persons and not already be nodding acquaintances with anyone who might be an employee or a patron of a small-town strip club? Are you supposed to pretend you don't know the stripper? Are you supposed to pretend her name is Samantha when you know it's Susan?), there were the Cowboys Cheerleaders who provided one of the few outlets for possibly unclean male adolescent yearning.

The Cowboys were hated with relish thanks in no small part to the unproven-then-and-now America's Team appellation and CBS's cynical programming which force-fed the Cowboys as the nationally-aired 4 pm game whenever CBS had the doubleheader. Cookie duster mustaches, Camaros and Cowboy fandom - it was a 70s trinity.

But even those who avoided any combination of silver and blue clothing in that decade had grudging respect - OK, lust - for the Cowboys' distaff dancing columns of big teeth, big hair and big, er, pompoms. During one game a CBS announcer solemnly intoned that fraternization between Cowboys players and cheerleaders was forbidden - which either made you laugh or cry. Telling a Cowboy not to fraternize would be like telling an addicted gambler down to his last $5 that the Megabucks slots were about to hit big.

If memory serves there was a controversy involving some ex-Cowboys cheerleaders who posed nude in the iconic costumes. Ah - memory does serve:

http://cases.justia.com/us-court-of-appeals/F2/600/c1184/231419/

8) 1970s sports venues

Cookie-cutter multipurpose bowls with intentionally vague level names such as ‘loge’ and ‘plaza’ that were universally ignored in favor of the simple and hyper-accurate ‘blue seats’ or ‘red seats.’ Creaky old arenas with wooden seats that appeared to be hewn from the True Cross worn smooth by decades of wear. Inadequate parking in unsafe neighborhoods. Advertising featuring local businesses and brands of beer (Burger anyone?). PA announcers that used a blessed monotone, announced each point, run, touchdown or goal by either team in exactly the same manner and didn't scream and shout. House lights that stayed on throughout team introductions. Souvenir stands that featured pennants, buttons and hats – and that’s all. Sportservice vendors introducing the concept of price gouging long before many of us took an economics course. Smoking on concourses and in the restrooms. Ugh...those restrooms. More nadir than apex really. Let’s move on.

9) 1970s uniforms

This subject has been worn threadbare (no pun intended) on a variety of blogs and sites but it's still difficult to survey uniform designs in the 1970s and not come away convinced that teams were actively attempting to out-ugly one another in the uniform version of mutually assured destruction. Still, it produced designs that will never be approached in terms of quirkiness and pointlessness.

10) Local sports media

Sleep patterns were frequently disrupted as youngsters attempted to stay up late or wake up early to see a coach's show or a local sports digest that aired at a ridiculous hour either side of the test pattern because syndicated Star Trek and M*A*S*H were too lucrative to move off the schedule.

Newspapers had beat writers who employed the Mad Libs approach to game stories using one of four templates....hometown team wins big...hometown team ekes out win....hometown team thumped...hometown team loses heartbreaker...but you still hung on every word. Newspapers had sports editor/columnists who presided for decades, protecting their cronies and demonizing their enemies without encountering direct criticism from readers except for that crackpot from the East Side who kept mailing letters in and the editor told his secretary to throw those away. The editor/columnist usually hosted an annual sports banquet, golf tournament or both – featuring more of his cronies of course.

Radio broadcasts had one or two sponsors that were mentioned at the start of the game, at halftime and after the game and certainly weren't mentioned at every timeout or whenever the sun went behind a cloud. Local TV sports departments struggled to get footage from a single Friday night game on the air. If your team appeared on the screen even for a fleeting moment it felt like winning the lottery.

Nostalgia is defined as ‘a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life.’ But 30 years on will today’s youngsters get misty about watching Britney’s Greatest Post-Hysterectomy Hits Halftime Extravaganza or their 8th repeat of The Old Spice Xtra-Smelly Stuff Cos You Haven’t Showered In Three Days NFL Mock Fantasy Draft?

Musical monstrosities (dueling piano bars, etc.)

2008-06-26T11:51:00.008-04:00

I admit it - as a musician I tend to look down my nose on some musical nightlife options perhaps in the same way a scratch golfer might look down on mini golf as an exercise in dumbed-down amateurism.

Karaoke
The Japanese started this but in their culture the aim was to honor their musical idols and do every song justice. In the States it's usually an assault on one's hearing and a frightening exercise in ritual self-humiliation. Most 'singers' must consume vast quantities of Dutch courage before they will dare to take a turn at the microphone...drunken bellowing and unintelligible lyrics (despite being inches away from a monitor displaying the lyrics) invariably follow. You will encounter one or two 'ringers' per night - people who have actual vocal talent and/or have not yet entered a drunken stupor - especially when a cash prize is involved, but the vast majority of karaoke nights and singers makes one worry that tone-deafness might become the next so-called national health crisis.

One other note: Britons are great allies in skewering the showy and self-aggrandizing but they seem to have a giant blind spot where Karaoke is concerned...they seem to universally love it. It doesn't mean they're good at it of course but it is a curious exception to the rule.

Dueling Piano Bars
Remember those school classmates that hung around the music room before or after class? They would congregate around the school's tired, out of tune piano (invariably mounted on caster wheels) and play a two-person rendition of 'Heart and Soul' (C Am F G) until even they couldn't stand it any longer. At other times the music teacher or a piano-playing student would strike up the chords to the likes of 'You Light Up My Life' or 'Keep On Loving You.'

Fast-forward to adulthood and many of those crooning classmates have hit the town looking for a little nightlife. Imagine their joy when they discover the existence of the dueling piano bar (DPB). They come under different guises - Crocodile Rocks (Elton John reference - geddit?), Howl At The Moon Saloon (at least wolves sound good howling) and so forth.

In the 1980s Keyboard Magazine once lauded Bruce Hornsby for making piano players popular and even sexy. Apparently there are pianists/vocalists drawn to these DPBs for the same reasons: mocked and marginalized for so long they are now the centers of attention. No more sideman gigs for these ivory-ticklers!

The theory of 'nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public' has never been more strongly upheld than in a DPB. The usual comments make me laugh and cry simultaneously in frustration: "It's fun!" "They're so talented!" "They know so many songs!" "They played my request!" "They played Happy Birthday for my friend!" "They played [insert state song here] even though we were in [insert tourist destination]!" "We sang Piano Man with them!"

Groan. Here is the reality folks:

1) Many (most?) popular songs were written on guitar using a handful of chords with basic changes in only a few keys (A, E, G, D, C). Many of the song 'writers' couldn't read or write music! For a piano player who learned via traditional lessons using traditional sheet music most popular songs are dead easy to play. Songs written by and for piano (e.g., Elton John & Billy Joel songs) are even easier!

2) But, you say, Paul Piano is a music teacher/orchestra musician/professor of music! Well bully for him! Why is he prostituting himself and his art in front of a drunken mob then? If he loves Chopin and can play difficult classical numbers why is he reducing himself to I-IV-V major chord progressions that he can play in his sleep?

3) They know so many songs! Oh really? As above, most pop music rarely goes beyond three or four chords with timeworn changes borrowed from blues, country and early rock 'n' roll. Slight variations on a theme don't equate to a vast musical vocabulary.

4) They know so many songs pt. 2. Think for a moment about the songs that might be requested at a DBP. 'Piano Man' - dead obvious. 'Crocodile Rock' or any Elton John - dead obvious again. Tear-jerker ballads, cheesy Neil Diamond numbers, maybe the odd singer-songwriter-guitar standard such as 'Margaritaville' or 'Fire And Rain.' The piano players know that there will be few surprises coming from the audience but they'll be happy to accept your $10 bribe to play a song that was coming up anyway.

5) They played Happy Birthday for us! I REALLY don't understand this one. I stopped getting excited about birthdays (my own or others') when I was, oh, 10 years old or so. Of course I buy presents and cards for others now but mandatory celebrations are gladly left in childhood past. Moreover, celebrating in public has always struck me as an extremely lame form of exhibitionism. If you are an adult and enjoy 10 waitresses chanting and clapping at you in a restaurant on your birthday then perhaps you need to examine the level of excitement in your life during the rest of the year.

Requesting a public performance of Happy Birthday ticks all the boxes for cringeworthiness: an over-the-top 'comedy' rendition by cynical musicians who are forced to do it most nights and boredom from strangers who don't know you or your friend.

6) They sang [insert official or adopted state song] for us! I'm a bit less strident on this point because I think West Virginia easily has the best (adopted) state song in 'Take Me Home, Country Roads.' Who knows what WV's state song was prior to 1971? Who even cares?

Back to state songs (or school fight songs). Yes they personalize the evening but again the cynical musical hosts will bleed the customers dry in a 'competition' to see which song will 'win' and be performed. If you're slapping $100 down in order to hear 'The Victors' instead of 'Fight On' or 'Across The Field' then perhaps you should take your iPod along and save a few dollars.

The musicians don't really care if they play 'Old Folks At Home' or 'Sweet Home Alabama' as long as the greenbacks keep flowing in.

Like karaoke, DPBs also perpetuate the curse of the drunken 'singer.' After sufficient rounds of macrobrewed swill the DPB customer, egged on by the tip-jar-obsessed pianists, will finally shed the stage fright and join in a chorus of 'Sweet Caroline' or 'Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys (cowgirls....cowboys....etc.).

Suddenly, mini golf under the lights looks a lot more appealing.

The shame of a neglected blog

2008-06-26T11:49:00.005-04:00

Blogs are wonderful things but those date stamps can get one in trouble. My last entry was March 20 and was an insignificant pitiful little moan session. Must do better

Spring? Please?

2008-03-20T08:27:00.003-04:00

The 'net and the world in general doesn't need another post moaning about winter/cold/snow.

I will note, however, that the seasons - all of them - seem to have shifted. March weather is now April weather, October weather is now November weather, etc.

Very strange but very consistent for the last 8-10 years.

A frightening look inside the mind of government

2007-11-20T11:57:00.000-05:00

The web already groans under the weight of political blogs representing every viewpoint (and paranoid fantasy) imaginable. One day I may be unable to resist the temptation to bring politics to this particular corner of the 'net but this post is simply intended to identify and analyze.

The DMV ranks right up there with the dentist's office on the list of unpopular destinations. The waits are (over)long, the staff range from surly to unhelpful to preachy to threatening.

Most people don't realize it but the DMV provides an excellent case study of how government views citizens and/or taxpayers (and make no mistake - a license is a form of taxation) and how government views itself. Licenses and registration may have the dreaded good intentions behind them (sorting out accidents, solving crimes and ensuring unsafe vehicles stay off the roads) but the implementation and administration of these rules has devolved into the usual bureaucratic boondoggle.

A breakdown:

A) Staff - plentiful government holidays and benefits aside, what type of person is drawn to a job that involves the daily incessant quoting of arcane rules and regulations and a guarantee that 99% of the public doesn't want to be there in the first place? The DMV teems with overgrown hall monitors and petty control freaks. No doubt they are worn down by having to repeat information and instructions day after day but I always pose the same question to other surly "service" types such as receptionists, bank tellers and cashiers - you knew what the job would entail from day one. If you don't want to deal with the public then why are you here?

B) Administration - is there any? Those are nice pictures of the governor and commissioner(s) on the wall but who is minding the store here in the real world? I suppose the most revealing anecdote is that one individual was assigned to ask questions and enter data on a terminal - DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE COULDN'T TYPE AND USED A PENCIL ERASER TO HUNT AND PECK ON HIS KEYBOARD. It doesn't require a Lee Iacocca or Steve Jobs to pair skills with duties does it? Even in civil service?

C) Organization - a Catholic High Mass doesn't involve this much standing and sitting (no kneeling but don't worry they will force that on you one day). Many state DMVs have eliminated lines (but not waits) by using the take-a-number system. Psychologically one is supposed to feel that his visit is a priority but of course that illusion is broken quickly when one observes the dance steps forced upon others that precede him. Let's use a simple driver's license renewal to count the steps:

1 - enter and approach information counter. Take number.
2 - sit and wait
3 - approach window to pay fees - sorry, taxes
4 - sit and wait
5 - pose for license photograph
6 - sit and wait
7 - obtain license

Keen-eyed readers will note that sitting and waiting is the primary activity. Also note that many DMV 'customers' are often forced to return to their vehicles or even their homes to obtain documentation. The DMV is especially fond of a certain kind of bureaucratese that says nothing but takes 500 words to do so. Instead of providing a simple checklist they often bury essential information or steps in fine print - providing plenty of unwanted surprises and delays for taxpayers.

Finally, the prerequisites for many licenses, permits, endorsements and titles are revealing indeed. For a driver's license renewal one must prove state residence - despite the fact that he is holding a currently valid license, which means he's already proven it at least once! Over HALF of this so-called proof involves some form of being on the government dole. In other words, government is so convinced of its own benevolence and pervasiveness in everyday life that it assumes the rest of the world shares its perception of itself.

Except for paying taxes, for many people the DMV is the only direct involvement they have with government. For their time, money and trouble most people receive that especially annoying American brand of false politeness that barely masks contempt and open hostility. It is a lopsided cat-and-mouse game combined with convoluted procedures that would make Rube Goldberg hang his head in shame.

The next time you watch the pantomime of the inefficient appearing daily at your state's DMV ask yourself: isn't it probable that other government departments that you CAN'T see operate this way?

The best rivalry

2007-11-13T18:03:00.000-05:00

It's amusing to watch the "which rivalry is best?' contests staged every year by ESPN and the usual suspects - in reality they are nothing more than advertising blurbs since the contest is "sponsored" by some megabrewer pushing their latest horrible-tasting mass-produced concoction.

You might call it a rivalry between rivalries except it's not. The best/strongest/most intense rivalry is Michigan-Ohio State (Ohio State-Michigan if you prefer) and as sports talk radio is wont to say "it's not even close."

What is required for a strong rivalry?
1) A large, insanely loyal fan base. When you have two huge Big Ten institutions the students and alumni alone provide an ample population. Throw in the majority of residents in each respective Rust Belt state and you have two opposing armies with "foreign legions" in every state and every corner of the world.

2) Two unique identities. The schools, the states and the people provide enough of a contrast but the Woody-Bo years intensified the rivalry and made it forever strong.

3) Success outside the rivalry. Other rivalries have teams with plenty of underwhelming seasons, including Alabama (say the words Shula or Dubose and watch them twitch violently), Auburn, Stanford, Cal, Pitt, West Virginia, and of course Army and Navy. Ohio State and Michigan might have 10 lean years combined since 1960. Appalachian State and Illinois notwithstanding OSU and UM find themselves in contention for the Big Ten title yet again.

4) Transcending the sport. Let's push Auburn-Alabama to the top of the list for a moment. The biggest drag on this rivalry is its intrastate nature. Oh sure there's more than enough banter, bitterness and outright hate to fuel a year-round feud but the fan bases must interact on a daily basis. And...the football game is always the most important thing in AU-UA. Michigan-Ohio State transcends the sport because it engenders/perpetuates dislike between two entire states. Apocryphal stories about Woody Hayes pushing his car south across the border so he wouldn't have to buy gas in Michigan aside, a Michigander meeting an Ohioan (and vice versa) will elicit a squint and a size-em-up reflex every time. When either visits other states, even foreign countries they are asked about the rivalry. Doesn't happen with any of the rest (although Cal/Stanford fans may still be asked about the Lateral Game).

Thus Ohio State-Michigan wins almost by default. It has too many advantages and almost no disadvantages. In successful years (i.e., national contention) Michigan's interest has occasionally wavered as they faced a Notre Dame or another tough out-of-conference opponent but during the leaner years they certainly look forward to the OSU game as a chance for redemption or simply spoiling another's parade. Ohio State could play the New England Patriots for the first 11 games of the season but their focus would still be on Michigan (just ask John Cooper). That is obsession. That is monomania. That is passion. That is a rivalry.

New bands and the paradox of the music mags

2007-11-01T15:09:00.000-04:00

Say this for British music mags Q and Mojo: they love a good myth.

In fact they sometimes appear to love mythology more than music itself. Mojo has all but exhausted the Beatles individually and collectively. There can't be an album, a period or a member left who hasn't gone under the microscope. While the amount of detail on offer is fascinating it can occasionally be depressing since the events chronicled are 30-40 years old.

Oasis were a godsend to these mags - a quintessentially British band with enough humor, menace and top-shelf songs to generate dozens of stories, news items and covers.

For the last few years Mojo and particularly Q have taken to slagging their former heroes off whenever the opportunity arises. Celebrity questionnaires (as if we're bothered what Noel Edmonds is listening to) include snarky items such as "Oasis: do you still care?"

Of course the British music press have been looking for the next Beatles since 1965 and naturally they have come up empty. Their MO is to find just-signed and even unsigned bands and build them as the next big thing. If the band complies via record sales and live appearances then the mags go along for the ride, hype machine in full effect mode. Those bands who fail to meet the high standard set by Oasis, Arctic Monkeys or the Stone Roses are thrown out with the rubbish a year or so later only to appear in mocking "What went wrong?" retrospectives a few years down the line. It's all great fun but do the mags really understand that their no-stone-unturned approach has the potential to interfere with the organic rise and fall of bands? In other words, a scriptwriter can't be a historian simultaneously. Bring on the details but give these poor lads a chance to breathe.

Happy Halloween Brutus

2007-10-31T09:54:00.000-04:00

Everyone complains when there are dominant teams in college football and the outcome of the season seems predetermined. Now everyone is complaining that there are too many teams in with a shout to be in the BCS or even the National Championship Game. Why is this a problem other than that minor inconvenience of good teams never playing each other at a crucial point in the season/postseason to determine a champion?

A playoff may not be a panacea but the soul butter from the college presidents and bowl committees about history and tradition is hypocritical indeed when 2 1/2 months after college football ends the NCAA basketball tournament begins and suddenly many of those same people profess their love for a system where games and not polls decide a champion and big programs/conferences accept upsets as part of the landscape.

As of this writing Ohio State have been sleepwalking for two months and have awakened to find themselves atop the polls. This year's trip to Ann Arbor will be even more harrowing one given the stakes and the probable momentum built up by the Wolverines who will have admirably salvaged their season by then. There is plenty of precedent for a Buckeye season ruined by a pratfall at Michigan Stadium.

Let's assume OSU wins out. The folks in New Orleans are praying that no undefeated teams emerge from the Pac-10. Let's assume also that BC loses and that the SEC champion has only one loss. A one-loss LSU team would be a dream come true giving the Tigers a virtual home game and an absolutely insane buildup to the NCG. Then again, ask Georgia about those virtual home games like the Sugar Bowl against West Virginia that was played in Atlanta.

The problem for Ohio State is that they probably can beat anybody EXCEPT an SEC team. LSU wouldn't run the score up like Florida last year but would certainly provide the strongest possible opposition. Like so many teams in the top 10 or 25 OSU's season essentially begins now and even if they finish with a perfect mark at least some questions about their overall quality will be answered.

It seems mad that a program of LSU's caliber could lose two quality coaches in the space of four years but the cards are stacked against them. Once upon a time John Cooper became irresistible to Ohio State when his Arizona State team defeated Michigan in the Rose Bowl. With Lloyd Carr all but certain to step down Les Miles could write his own ticket back to Ann Arbor with a win over the Buckeyes in the NCG. He even SOUNDS like Bo Schembechler in his interviews - it's uncanny. For all the quality of the SEC programs the fierce competition manifests itself in some ugly ways, particularly unbridled criticism of coaches who bring home 9-3 records or better each year.

Jol Be Sorry

2007-10-30T11:25:00.001-04:00

I am hardly a Tottenham Hotspur supporter but still have a great deal of sympathy for them in their seemingly ceaseless quest to be a "big club."

Unfortunately big and small clubs alike are all too prone to hit the panic button. I echo the comments of many when I say THFC have sacked the best manager they've had in ages. They have written off this season intentionally or otherwise. Perhaps they fancy their new man is another Rafa Benitez but he likely will be just another Spanish hothead who will be good entertainment value even though the results will not improve greatly.

Good luck to Jol who handled the speculation and questions as best he could.

You're going to agree or your not.

2007-10-29T16:16:00.001-04:00

With the billions that have been spent on education why can't a huge number of graduates from the last two decades manage to use contractions properly?

What is so difficult about recognizing that an apostrophe (') takes the place of a letter, word and/or space? Moreover, what is so difficult about teaching and remembering it?

A recent billboard advertised
Beach Living At It's Finest
which means that at least three people (a copywriter, an editor/boss/publisher and an advertising sales rep) but probably more let this error pass undetected or unchanged. Renting a billboard can't be cheap. The folks doing the advertising may never know that their little typo is costing them potential customers - the kind with disposable income who justifiably avoid doing business with those who can't manage to use a single little apostrophe correctly.

The you're/your battle seems to be hopeless especially among the U21s.
Your just jealous, I hear them saying. Perhaps I am, but not of their usage.

Big Brother Australia/UK 2007 Review

2007-10-29T15:32:00.000-04:00

Aleisha was the deserving winner of BBAUS2007. Her closeness with Emma provided her a much-needed emotional security blanket in the early going but Emma's departure allowed the public and the housemates to focus solely on Aleisha and all of her wonderful qualities.

Almost every housemate declares "I'm just going to be myself" then enters the BB house and proceeds to do completely the opposite. Aleisha never made such a pronouncement but succeeded in being herself and was rightfully rewarded. Future HMs should take note especially if they expect to win although it's doubtful they will.

BBUK2007 was a mixed bag. The females-only approach for the first week or seemed so obvious one wonders why they didn't try it before. No manipulation by BB was necessary; there was always going to be conflict with tetchy characters like Charley and Nicky in the mix.

The arrival and makeup of the male contingent was over-egged with predetermined alpha male Ziggy providing a focal point for most of the next few weeks. Chanelle was fetching but very vulnerable despite her bravado and Ziggy played her like a violin intentionally or unintentionally.

The twins - Sam and Amanda. Still don't know what quite to make of it all. Can two people sharing one personality really be that non-confrontational and sweet? Unlike 99% of housemates they simply shut down whenever a row broke out. Was it fear? immaturity? avoidance? On balance they were mostly good value and a breath of fresh air given all the streetwise tarts that have been a part of BBUK over the years. I would have backed them to win from the first day but sadly it didn't come to pass. I hope they have their post-BB fun (can't a hit factory at least give them an original song to sing?) and make a few bob then manage to go back to their apparently idyllic lives. The "Telepathic Twins" segment was funny and fascinating.

Winner Brian was likeable enough but he never managed to perfect his thick-but-sweet act to my satisfaction. Brian became a hero to many when he managed to silence a stunned Charley for a few moments in his first few days. He was good value in the Diary Room and his anti-SLOP rant is an all-time BB laugh for me....It's out of order!!!

These will be uncertain months for fans of BBAUS and BBUK. The UK edition has lost its freshness and the usual approach of throwing borderline psychopaths into a room and waiting for the claws to come out has to change or the audience will decline even more.

As many know Kris Noble the executive producer of the Australia series has departed. Was he pushed or did he jump? The recently-and-regrettably departed Gretel assured everyone during the finale that there would be a BBAUS2008 but the evidence is lacking so far.

Here we go

2007-10-29T15:19:00.000-04:00

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
-George Bernard Shaw

I suppose the first post is the most difficult since it's expected to be profound, original and shake the Internet to its core with insight.

As the title suggests I don't expect to achieve any of those goals straight away but I'll get there eventually.

Greetings to those who may be reading these words and on to more substantive posts...