I admit it - as a musician I tend to look down my nose on some musical nightlife options perhaps in the same way a scratch golfer might look down on mini golf as an exercise in dumbed-down amateurism.
Karaoke
The Japanese started this but in their culture the aim was to honor their musical idols and do every song justice. In the States it's usually an assault on one's hearing and a frightening exercise in ritual self-humiliation. Most 'singers' must consume vast quantities of Dutch courage before they will dare to take a turn at the microphone...drunken bellowing and unintelligible lyrics (despite being inches away from a monitor displaying the lyrics) invariably follow. You will encounter one or two 'ringers' per night - people who have actual vocal talent and/or have not yet entered a drunken stupor - especially when a cash prize is involved, but the vast majority of karaoke nights and singers makes one worry that tone-deafness might become the next so-called national health crisis.
One other note: Britons are great allies in skewering the showy and self-aggrandizing but they seem to have a giant blind spot where Karaoke is concerned...they seem to universally love it. It doesn't mean they're good at it of course but it is a curious exception to the rule.
Dueling Piano Bars
Remember those school classmates that hung around the music room before or after class? They would congregate around the school's tired, out of tune piano (invariably mounted on caster wheels) and play a two-person rendition of 'Heart and Soul' (C Am F G) until even they couldn't stand it any longer. At other times the music teacher or a piano-playing student would strike up the chords to the likes of 'You Light Up My Life' or 'Keep On Loving You.'
Fast-forward to adulthood and many of those crooning classmates have hit the town looking for a little nightlife. Imagine their joy when they discover the existence of the dueling piano bar (DPB). They come under different guises - Crocodile Rocks (Elton John reference - geddit?), Howl At The Moon Saloon (at least wolves sound good howling) and so forth.
In the 1980s Keyboard Magazine once lauded Bruce Hornsby for making piano players popular and even sexy. Apparently there are pianists/vocalists drawn to these DPBs for the same reasons: mocked and marginalized for so long they are now the centers of attention. No more sideman gigs for these ivory-ticklers!
The theory of 'nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public' has never been more strongly upheld than in a DPB. The usual comments make me laugh and cry simultaneously in frustration: "It's fun!" "They're so talented!" "They know so many songs!" "They played my request!" "They played Happy Birthday for my friend!" "They played [insert state song here] even though we were in [insert tourist destination]!" "We sang Piano Man with them!"
Groan. Here is the reality folks:
1) Many (most?) popular songs were written on guitar using a handful of chords with basic changes in only a few keys (A, E, G, D, C). Many of the song 'writers' couldn't read or write music! For a piano player who learned via traditional lessons using traditional sheet music most popular songs are dead easy to play. Songs written by and for piano (e.g., Elton John & Billy Joel songs) are even easier!
2) But, you say, Paul Piano is a music teacher/orchestra musician/professor of music! Well bully for him! Why is he prostituting himself and his art in front of a drunken mob then? If he loves Chopin and can play difficult classical numbers why is he reducing himself to I-IV-V major chord progressions that he can play in his sleep?
3) They know so many songs! Oh really? As above, most pop music rarely goes beyond three or four chords with timeworn changes borrowed from blues, country and early rock 'n' roll. Slight variations on a theme don't equate to a vast musical vocabulary.
4) They know so many songs pt. 2. Think for a moment about the songs that might be requested at a DBP. 'Piano Man' - dead obvious. 'Crocodile Rock' or any Elton John - dead obvious again. Tear-jerker ballads, cheesy Neil Diamond numbers, maybe the odd singer-songwriter-guitar standard such as 'Margaritaville' or 'Fire And Rain.' The piano players know that there will be few surprises coming from the audience but they'll be happy to accept your $10 bribe to play a song that was coming up anyway.
5) They played Happy Birthday for us! I REALLY don't understand this one. I stopped getting excited about birthdays (my own or others') when I was, oh, 10 years old or so. Of course I buy presents and cards for others now but mandatory celebrations are gladly left in childhood past. Moreover, celebrating in public has always struck me as an extremely lame form of exhibitionism. If you are an adult and enjoy 10 waitresses chanting and clapping at you in a restaurant on your birthday then perhaps you need to examine the level of excitement in your life during the rest of the year.
Requesting a public performance of Happy Birthday ticks all the boxes for cringeworthiness: an over-the-top 'comedy' rendition by cynical musicians who are forced to do it most nights and boredom from strangers who don't know you or your friend.
6) They sang [insert official or adopted state song] for us! I'm a bit less strident on this point because I think West Virginia easily has the best (adopted) state song in 'Take Me Home, Country Roads.' Who knows what WV's state song was prior to 1971? Who even cares?
Back to state songs (or school fight songs). Yes they personalize the evening but again the cynical musical hosts will bleed the customers dry in a 'competition' to see which song will 'win' and be performed. If you're slapping $100 down in order to hear 'The Victors' instead of 'Fight On' or 'Across The Field' then perhaps you should take your iPod along and save a few dollars.
The musicians don't really care if they play 'Old Folks At Home' or 'Sweet Home Alabama' as long as the greenbacks keep flowing in.
Like karaoke, DPBs also perpetuate the curse of the drunken 'singer.' After sufficient rounds of macrobrewed swill the DPB customer, egged on by the tip-jar-obsessed pianists, will finally shed the stage fright and join in a chorus of 'Sweet Caroline' or 'Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys (cowgirls....cowboys....etc.).
Suddenly, mini golf under the lights looks a lot more appealing.
26 June 2008
The shame of a neglected blog
Blogs are wonderful things but those date stamps can get one in trouble. My last entry was March 20 and was an insignificant pitiful little moan session. Must do better
20 March 2008
Spring? Please?
The 'net and the world in general doesn't need another post moaning about winter/cold/snow.
I will note, however, that the seasons - all of them - seem to have shifted. March weather is now April weather, October weather is now November weather, etc.
Very strange but very consistent for the last 8-10 years.
I will note, however, that the seasons - all of them - seem to have shifted. March weather is now April weather, October weather is now November weather, etc.
Very strange but very consistent for the last 8-10 years.
20 November 2007
A frightening look inside the mind of government
The web already groans under the weight of political blogs representing every viewpoint (and paranoid fantasy) imaginable. One day I may be unable to resist the temptation to bring politics to this particular corner of the 'net but this post is simply intended to identify and analyze.
The DMV ranks right up there with the dentist's office on the list of unpopular destinations. The waits are (over)long, the staff range from surly to unhelpful to preachy to threatening.
Most people don't realize it but the DMV provides an excellent case study of how government views citizens and/or taxpayers (and make no mistake - a license is a form of taxation) and how government views itself. Licenses and registration may have the dreaded good intentions behind them (sorting out accidents, solving crimes and ensuring unsafe vehicles stay off the roads) but the implementation and administration of these rules has devolved into the usual bureaucratic boondoggle.
A breakdown:
A) Staff - plentiful government holidays and benefits aside, what type of person is drawn to a job that involves the daily incessant quoting of arcane rules and regulations and a guarantee that 99% of the public doesn't want to be there in the first place? The DMV teems with overgrown hall monitors and petty control freaks. No doubt they are worn down by having to repeat information and instructions day after day but I always pose the same question to other surly "service" types such as receptionists, bank tellers and cashiers - you knew what the job would entail from day one. If you don't want to deal with the public then why are you here?
B) Administration - is there any? Those are nice pictures of the governor and commissioner(s) on the wall but who is minding the store here in the real world? I suppose the most revealing anecdote is that one individual was assigned to ask questions and enter data on a terminal - DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE COULDN'T TYPE AND USED A PENCIL ERASER TO HUNT AND PECK ON HIS KEYBOARD. It doesn't require a Lee Iacocca or Steve Jobs to pair skills with duties does it? Even in civil service?
C) Organization - a Catholic High Mass doesn't involve this much standing and sitting (no kneeling but don't worry they will force that on you one day). Many state DMVs have eliminated lines (but not waits) by using the take-a-number system. Psychologically one is supposed to feel that his visit is a priority but of course that illusion is broken quickly when one observes the dance steps forced upon others that precede him. Let's use a simple driver's license renewal to count the steps:
1 - enter and approach information counter. Take number.
2 - sit and wait
3 - approach window to pay fees - sorry, taxes
4 - sit and wait
5 - pose for license photograph
6 - sit and wait
7 - obtain license
Keen-eyed readers will note that sitting and waiting is the primary activity. Also note that many DMV 'customers' are often forced to return to their vehicles or even their homes to obtain documentation. The DMV is especially fond of a certain kind of bureaucratese that says nothing but takes 500 words to do so. Instead of providing a simple checklist they often bury essential information or steps in fine print - providing plenty of unwanted surprises and delays for taxpayers.
Finally, the prerequisites for many licenses, permits, endorsements and titles are revealing indeed. For a driver's license renewal one must prove state residence - despite the fact that he is holding a currently valid license, which means he's already proven it at least once! Over HALF of this so-called proof involves some form of being on the government dole. In other words, government is so convinced of its own benevolence and pervasiveness in everyday life that it assumes the rest of the world shares its perception of itself.
Except for paying taxes, for many people the DMV is the only direct involvement they have with government. For their time, money and trouble most people receive that especially annoying American brand of false politeness that barely masks contempt and open hostility. It is a lopsided cat-and-mouse game combined with convoluted procedures that would make Rube Goldberg hang his head in shame.
The next time you watch the pantomime of the inefficient appearing daily at your state's DMV ask yourself: isn't it probable that other government departments that you CAN'T see operate this way?
The DMV ranks right up there with the dentist's office on the list of unpopular destinations. The waits are (over)long, the staff range from surly to unhelpful to preachy to threatening.
Most people don't realize it but the DMV provides an excellent case study of how government views citizens and/or taxpayers (and make no mistake - a license is a form of taxation) and how government views itself. Licenses and registration may have the dreaded good intentions behind them (sorting out accidents, solving crimes and ensuring unsafe vehicles stay off the roads) but the implementation and administration of these rules has devolved into the usual bureaucratic boondoggle.
A breakdown:
A) Staff - plentiful government holidays and benefits aside, what type of person is drawn to a job that involves the daily incessant quoting of arcane rules and regulations and a guarantee that 99% of the public doesn't want to be there in the first place? The DMV teems with overgrown hall monitors and petty control freaks. No doubt they are worn down by having to repeat information and instructions day after day but I always pose the same question to other surly "service" types such as receptionists, bank tellers and cashiers - you knew what the job would entail from day one. If you don't want to deal with the public then why are you here?
B) Administration - is there any? Those are nice pictures of the governor and commissioner(s) on the wall but who is minding the store here in the real world? I suppose the most revealing anecdote is that one individual was assigned to ask questions and enter data on a terminal - DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE COULDN'T TYPE AND USED A PENCIL ERASER TO HUNT AND PECK ON HIS KEYBOARD. It doesn't require a Lee Iacocca or Steve Jobs to pair skills with duties does it? Even in civil service?
C) Organization - a Catholic High Mass doesn't involve this much standing and sitting (no kneeling but don't worry they will force that on you one day). Many state DMVs have eliminated lines (but not waits) by using the take-a-number system. Psychologically one is supposed to feel that his visit is a priority but of course that illusion is broken quickly when one observes the dance steps forced upon others that precede him. Let's use a simple driver's license renewal to count the steps:
1 - enter and approach information counter. Take number.
2 - sit and wait
3 - approach window to pay fees - sorry, taxes
4 - sit and wait
5 - pose for license photograph
6 - sit and wait
7 - obtain license
Keen-eyed readers will note that sitting and waiting is the primary activity. Also note that many DMV 'customers' are often forced to return to their vehicles or even their homes to obtain documentation. The DMV is especially fond of a certain kind of bureaucratese that says nothing but takes 500 words to do so. Instead of providing a simple checklist they often bury essential information or steps in fine print - providing plenty of unwanted surprises and delays for taxpayers.
Finally, the prerequisites for many licenses, permits, endorsements and titles are revealing indeed. For a driver's license renewal one must prove state residence - despite the fact that he is holding a currently valid license, which means he's already proven it at least once! Over HALF of this so-called proof involves some form of being on the government dole. In other words, government is so convinced of its own benevolence and pervasiveness in everyday life that it assumes the rest of the world shares its perception of itself.
Except for paying taxes, for many people the DMV is the only direct involvement they have with government. For their time, money and trouble most people receive that especially annoying American brand of false politeness that barely masks contempt and open hostility. It is a lopsided cat-and-mouse game combined with convoluted procedures that would make Rube Goldberg hang his head in shame.
The next time you watch the pantomime of the inefficient appearing daily at your state's DMV ask yourself: isn't it probable that other government departments that you CAN'T see operate this way?
13 November 2007
The best rivalry
It's amusing to watch the "which rivalry is best?' contests staged every year by ESPN and the usual suspects - in reality they are nothing more than advertising blurbs since the contest is "sponsored" by some megabrewer pushing their latest horrible-tasting mass-produced concoction.
You might call it a rivalry between rivalries except it's not. The best/strongest/most intense rivalry is Michigan-Ohio State (Ohio State-Michigan if you prefer) and as sports talk radio is wont to say "it's not even close."
What is required for a strong rivalry?
1) A large, insanely loyal fan base. When you have two huge Big Ten institutions the students and alumni alone provide an ample population. Throw in the majority of residents in each respective Rust Belt state and you have two opposing armies with "foreign legions" in every state and every corner of the world.
2) Two unique identities. The schools, the states and the people provide enough of a contrast but the Woody-Bo years intensified the rivalry and made it forever strong.
3) Success outside the rivalry. Other rivalries have teams with plenty of underwhelming seasons, including Alabama (say the words Shula or Dubose and watch them twitch violently), Auburn, Stanford, Cal, Pitt, West Virginia, and of course Army and Navy. Ohio State and Michigan might have 10 lean years combined since 1960. Appalachian State and Illinois notwithstanding OSU and UM find themselves in contention for the Big Ten title yet again.
4) Transcending the sport. Let's push Auburn-Alabama to the top of the list for a moment. The biggest drag on this rivalry is its intrastate nature. Oh sure there's more than enough banter, bitterness and outright hate to fuel a year-round feud but the fan bases must interact on a daily basis. And...the football game is always the most important thing in AU-UA. Michigan-Ohio State transcends the sport because it engenders/perpetuates dislike between two entire states. Apocryphal stories about Woody Hayes pushing his car south across the border so he wouldn't have to buy gas in Michigan aside, a Michigander meeting an Ohioan (and vice versa) will elicit a squint and a size-em-up reflex every time. When either visits other states, even foreign countries they are asked about the rivalry. Doesn't happen with any of the rest (although Cal/Stanford fans may still be asked about the Lateral Game).
Thus Ohio State-Michigan wins almost by default. It has too many advantages and almost no disadvantages. In successful years (i.e., national contention) Michigan's interest has occasionally wavered as they faced a Notre Dame or another tough out-of-conference opponent but during the leaner years they certainly look forward to the OSU game as a chance for redemption or simply spoiling another's parade. Ohio State could play the New England Patriots for the first 11 games of the season but their focus would still be on Michigan (just ask John Cooper). That is obsession. That is monomania. That is passion. That is a rivalry.
You might call it a rivalry between rivalries except it's not. The best/strongest/most intense rivalry is Michigan-Ohio State (Ohio State-Michigan if you prefer) and as sports talk radio is wont to say "it's not even close."
What is required for a strong rivalry?
1) A large, insanely loyal fan base. When you have two huge Big Ten institutions the students and alumni alone provide an ample population. Throw in the majority of residents in each respective Rust Belt state and you have two opposing armies with "foreign legions" in every state and every corner of the world.
2) Two unique identities. The schools, the states and the people provide enough of a contrast but the Woody-Bo years intensified the rivalry and made it forever strong.
3) Success outside the rivalry. Other rivalries have teams with plenty of underwhelming seasons, including Alabama (say the words Shula or Dubose and watch them twitch violently), Auburn, Stanford, Cal, Pitt, West Virginia, and of course Army and Navy. Ohio State and Michigan might have 10 lean years combined since 1960. Appalachian State and Illinois notwithstanding OSU and UM find themselves in contention for the Big Ten title yet again.
4) Transcending the sport. Let's push Auburn-Alabama to the top of the list for a moment. The biggest drag on this rivalry is its intrastate nature. Oh sure there's more than enough banter, bitterness and outright hate to fuel a year-round feud but the fan bases must interact on a daily basis. And...the football game is always the most important thing in AU-UA. Michigan-Ohio State transcends the sport because it engenders/perpetuates dislike between two entire states. Apocryphal stories about Woody Hayes pushing his car south across the border so he wouldn't have to buy gas in Michigan aside, a Michigander meeting an Ohioan (and vice versa) will elicit a squint and a size-em-up reflex every time. When either visits other states, even foreign countries they are asked about the rivalry. Doesn't happen with any of the rest (although Cal/Stanford fans may still be asked about the Lateral Game).
Thus Ohio State-Michigan wins almost by default. It has too many advantages and almost no disadvantages. In successful years (i.e., national contention) Michigan's interest has occasionally wavered as they faced a Notre Dame or another tough out-of-conference opponent but during the leaner years they certainly look forward to the OSU game as a chance for redemption or simply spoiling another's parade. Ohio State could play the New England Patriots for the first 11 games of the season but their focus would still be on Michigan (just ask John Cooper). That is obsession. That is monomania. That is passion. That is a rivalry.
01 November 2007
New bands and the paradox of the music mags
Say this for British music mags Q and Mojo: they love a good myth.
In fact they sometimes appear to love mythology more than music itself. Mojo has all but exhausted the Beatles individually and collectively. There can't be an album, a period or a member left who hasn't gone under the microscope. While the amount of detail on offer is fascinating it can occasionally be depressing since the events chronicled are 30-40 years old.
Oasis were a godsend to these mags - a quintessentially British band with enough humor, menace and top-shelf songs to generate dozens of stories, news items and covers.
For the last few years Mojo and particularly Q have taken to slagging their former heroes off whenever the opportunity arises. Celebrity questionnaires (as if we're bothered what Noel Edmonds is listening to) include snarky items such as "Oasis: do you still care?"
Of course the British music press have been looking for the next Beatles since 1965 and naturally they have come up empty. Their MO is to find just-signed and even unsigned bands and build them as the next big thing. If the band complies via record sales and live appearances then the mags go along for the ride, hype machine in full effect mode. Those bands who fail to meet the high standard set by Oasis, Arctic Monkeys or the Stone Roses are thrown out with the rubbish a year or so later only to appear in mocking "What went wrong?" retrospectives a few years down the line. It's all great fun but do the mags really understand that their no-stone-unturned approach has the potential to interfere with the organic rise and fall of bands? In other words, a scriptwriter can't be a historian simultaneously. Bring on the details but give these poor lads a chance to breathe.
In fact they sometimes appear to love mythology more than music itself. Mojo has all but exhausted the Beatles individually and collectively. There can't be an album, a period or a member left who hasn't gone under the microscope. While the amount of detail on offer is fascinating it can occasionally be depressing since the events chronicled are 30-40 years old.
Oasis were a godsend to these mags - a quintessentially British band with enough humor, menace and top-shelf songs to generate dozens of stories, news items and covers.
For the last few years Mojo and particularly Q have taken to slagging their former heroes off whenever the opportunity arises. Celebrity questionnaires (as if we're bothered what Noel Edmonds is listening to) include snarky items such as "Oasis: do you still care?"
Of course the British music press have been looking for the next Beatles since 1965 and naturally they have come up empty. Their MO is to find just-signed and even unsigned bands and build them as the next big thing. If the band complies via record sales and live appearances then the mags go along for the ride, hype machine in full effect mode. Those bands who fail to meet the high standard set by Oasis, Arctic Monkeys or the Stone Roses are thrown out with the rubbish a year or so later only to appear in mocking "What went wrong?" retrospectives a few years down the line. It's all great fun but do the mags really understand that their no-stone-unturned approach has the potential to interfere with the organic rise and fall of bands? In other words, a scriptwriter can't be a historian simultaneously. Bring on the details but give these poor lads a chance to breathe.
31 October 2007
Happy Halloween Brutus
Everyone complains when there are dominant teams in college football and the outcome of the season seems predetermined. Now everyone is complaining that there are too many teams in with a shout to be in the BCS or even the National Championship Game. Why is this a problem other than that minor inconvenience of good teams never playing each other at a crucial point in the season/postseason to determine a champion?
A playoff may not be a panacea but the soul butter from the college presidents and bowl committees about history and tradition is hypocritical indeed when 2 1/2 months after college football ends the NCAA basketball tournament begins and suddenly many of those same people profess their love for a system where games and not polls decide a champion and big programs/conferences accept upsets as part of the landscape.
As of this writing Ohio State have been sleepwalking for two months and have awakened to find themselves atop the polls. This year's trip to Ann Arbor will be even more harrowing one given the stakes and the probable momentum built up by the Wolverines who will have admirably salvaged their season by then. There is plenty of precedent for a Buckeye season ruined by a pratfall at Michigan Stadium.
Let's assume OSU wins out. The folks in New Orleans are praying that no undefeated teams emerge from the Pac-10. Let's assume also that BC loses and that the SEC champion has only one loss. A one-loss LSU team would be a dream come true giving the Tigers a virtual home game and an absolutely insane buildup to the NCG. Then again, ask Georgia about those virtual home games like the Sugar Bowl against West Virginia that was played in Atlanta.
The problem for Ohio State is that they probably can beat anybody EXCEPT an SEC team. LSU wouldn't run the score up like Florida last year but would certainly provide the strongest possible opposition. Like so many teams in the top 10 or 25 OSU's season essentially begins now and even if they finish with a perfect mark at least some questions about their overall quality will be answered.
It seems mad that a program of LSU's caliber could lose two quality coaches in the space of four years but the cards are stacked against them. Once upon a time John Cooper became irresistible to Ohio State when his Arizona State team defeated Michigan in the Rose Bowl. With Lloyd Carr all but certain to step down Les Miles could write his own ticket back to Ann Arbor with a win over the Buckeyes in the NCG. He even SOUNDS like Bo Schembechler in his interviews - it's uncanny. For all the quality of the SEC programs the fierce competition manifests itself in some ugly ways, particularly unbridled criticism of coaches who bring home 9-3 records or better each year.
A playoff may not be a panacea but the soul butter from the college presidents and bowl committees about history and tradition is hypocritical indeed when 2 1/2 months after college football ends the NCAA basketball tournament begins and suddenly many of those same people profess their love for a system where games and not polls decide a champion and big programs/conferences accept upsets as part of the landscape.
As of this writing Ohio State have been sleepwalking for two months and have awakened to find themselves atop the polls. This year's trip to Ann Arbor will be even more harrowing one given the stakes and the probable momentum built up by the Wolverines who will have admirably salvaged their season by then. There is plenty of precedent for a Buckeye season ruined by a pratfall at Michigan Stadium.
Let's assume OSU wins out. The folks in New Orleans are praying that no undefeated teams emerge from the Pac-10. Let's assume also that BC loses and that the SEC champion has only one loss. A one-loss LSU team would be a dream come true giving the Tigers a virtual home game and an absolutely insane buildup to the NCG. Then again, ask Georgia about those virtual home games like the Sugar Bowl against West Virginia that was played in Atlanta.
The problem for Ohio State is that they probably can beat anybody EXCEPT an SEC team. LSU wouldn't run the score up like Florida last year but would certainly provide the strongest possible opposition. Like so many teams in the top 10 or 25 OSU's season essentially begins now and even if they finish with a perfect mark at least some questions about their overall quality will be answered.
It seems mad that a program of LSU's caliber could lose two quality coaches in the space of four years but the cards are stacked against them. Once upon a time John Cooper became irresistible to Ohio State when his Arizona State team defeated Michigan in the Rose Bowl. With Lloyd Carr all but certain to step down Les Miles could write his own ticket back to Ann Arbor with a win over the Buckeyes in the NCG. He even SOUNDS like Bo Schembechler in his interviews - it's uncanny. For all the quality of the SEC programs the fierce competition manifests itself in some ugly ways, particularly unbridled criticism of coaches who bring home 9-3 records or better each year.
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