20 November 2007

A frightening look inside the mind of government

The web already groans under the weight of political blogs representing every viewpoint (and paranoid fantasy) imaginable. One day I may be unable to resist the temptation to bring politics to this particular corner of the 'net but this post is simply intended to identify and analyze.

The DMV ranks right up there with the dentist's office on the list of unpopular destinations. The waits are (over)long, the staff range from surly to unhelpful to preachy to threatening.

Most people don't realize it but the DMV provides an excellent case study of how government views citizens and/or taxpayers (and make no mistake - a license is a form of taxation) and how government views itself. Licenses and registration may have the dreaded good intentions behind them (sorting out accidents, solving crimes and ensuring unsafe vehicles stay off the roads) but the implementation and administration of these rules has devolved into the usual bureaucratic boondoggle.

A breakdown:

A) Staff - plentiful government holidays and benefits aside, what type of person is drawn to a job that involves the daily incessant quoting of arcane rules and regulations and a guarantee that 99% of the public doesn't want to be there in the first place? The DMV teems with overgrown hall monitors and petty control freaks. No doubt they are worn down by having to repeat information and instructions day after day but I always pose the same question to other surly "service" types such as receptionists, bank tellers and cashiers - you knew what the job would entail from day one. If you don't want to deal with the public then why are you here?

B) Administration - is there any? Those are nice pictures of the governor and commissioner(s) on the wall but who is minding the store here in the real world? I suppose the most revealing anecdote is that one individual was assigned to ask questions and enter data on a terminal - DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE COULDN'T TYPE AND USED A PENCIL ERASER TO HUNT AND PECK ON HIS KEYBOARD. It doesn't require a Lee Iacocca or Steve Jobs to pair skills with duties does it? Even in civil service?

C) Organization - a Catholic High Mass doesn't involve this much standing and sitting (no kneeling but don't worry they will force that on you one day). Many state DMVs have eliminated lines (but not waits) by using the take-a-number system. Psychologically one is supposed to feel that his visit is a priority but of course that illusion is broken quickly when one observes the dance steps forced upon others that precede him. Let's use a simple driver's license renewal to count the steps:

1 - enter and approach information counter. Take number.
2 - sit and wait
3 - approach window to pay fees - sorry, taxes
4 - sit and wait
5 - pose for license photograph
6 - sit and wait
7 - obtain license

Keen-eyed readers will note that sitting and waiting is the primary activity. Also note that many DMV 'customers' are often forced to return to their vehicles or even their homes to obtain documentation. The DMV is especially fond of a certain kind of bureaucratese that says nothing but takes 500 words to do so. Instead of providing a simple checklist they often bury essential information or steps in fine print - providing plenty of unwanted surprises and delays for taxpayers.

Finally, the prerequisites for many licenses, permits, endorsements and titles are revealing indeed. For a driver's license renewal one must prove state residence - despite the fact that he is holding a currently valid license, which means he's already proven it at least once! Over HALF of this so-called proof involves some form of being on the government dole. In other words, government is so convinced of its own benevolence and pervasiveness in everyday life that it assumes the rest of the world shares its perception of itself.

Except for paying taxes, for many people the DMV is the only direct involvement they have with government. For their time, money and trouble most people receive that especially annoying American brand of false politeness that barely masks contempt and open hostility. It is a lopsided cat-and-mouse game combined with convoluted procedures that would make Rube Goldberg hang his head in shame.

The next time you watch the pantomime of the inefficient appearing daily at your state's DMV ask yourself: isn't it probable that other government departments that you CAN'T see operate this way?

13 November 2007

The best rivalry

It's amusing to watch the "which rivalry is best?' contests staged every year by ESPN and the usual suspects - in reality they are nothing more than advertising blurbs since the contest is "sponsored" by some megabrewer pushing their latest horrible-tasting mass-produced concoction.

You might call it a rivalry between rivalries except it's not. The best/strongest/most intense rivalry is Michigan-Ohio State (Ohio State-Michigan if you prefer) and as sports talk radio is wont to say "it's not even close."

What is required for a strong rivalry?
1) A large, insanely loyal fan base. When you have two huge Big Ten institutions the students and alumni alone provide an ample population. Throw in the majority of residents in each respective Rust Belt state and you have two opposing armies with "foreign legions" in every state and every corner of the world.

2) Two unique identities. The schools, the states and the people provide enough of a contrast but the Woody-Bo years intensified the rivalry and made it forever strong.

3) Success outside the rivalry. Other rivalries have teams with plenty of underwhelming seasons, including Alabama (say the words Shula or Dubose and watch them twitch violently), Auburn, Stanford, Cal, Pitt, West Virginia, and of course Army and Navy. Ohio State and Michigan might have 10 lean years combined since 1960. Appalachian State and Illinois notwithstanding OSU and UM find themselves in contention for the Big Ten title yet again.

4) Transcending the sport. Let's push Auburn-Alabama to the top of the list for a moment. The biggest drag on this rivalry is its intrastate nature. Oh sure there's more than enough banter, bitterness and outright hate to fuel a year-round feud but the fan bases must interact on a daily basis. And...the football game is always the most important thing in AU-UA. Michigan-Ohio State transcends the sport because it engenders/perpetuates dislike between two entire states. Apocryphal stories about Woody Hayes pushing his car south across the border so he wouldn't have to buy gas in Michigan aside, a Michigander meeting an Ohioan (and vice versa) will elicit a squint and a size-em-up reflex every time. When either visits other states, even foreign countries they are asked about the rivalry. Doesn't happen with any of the rest (although Cal/Stanford fans may still be asked about the Lateral Game).

Thus Ohio State-Michigan wins almost by default. It has too many advantages and almost no disadvantages. In successful years (i.e., national contention) Michigan's interest has occasionally wavered as they faced a Notre Dame or another tough out-of-conference opponent but during the leaner years they certainly look forward to the OSU game as a chance for redemption or simply spoiling another's parade. Ohio State could play the New England Patriots for the first 11 games of the season but their focus would still be on Michigan (just ask John Cooper). That is obsession. That is monomania. That is passion. That is a rivalry.

01 November 2007

New bands and the paradox of the music mags

Say this for British music mags Q and Mojo: they love a good myth.

In fact they sometimes appear to love mythology more than music itself. Mojo has all but exhausted the Beatles individually and collectively. There can't be an album, a period or a member left who hasn't gone under the microscope. While the amount of detail on offer is fascinating it can occasionally be depressing since the events chronicled are 30-40 years old.

Oasis were a godsend to these mags - a quintessentially British band with enough humor, menace and top-shelf songs to generate dozens of stories, news items and covers.

For the last few years Mojo and particularly Q have taken to slagging their former heroes off whenever the opportunity arises. Celebrity questionnaires (as if we're bothered what Noel Edmonds is listening to) include snarky items such as "Oasis: do you still care?"

Of course the British music press have been looking for the next Beatles since 1965 and naturally they have come up empty. Their MO is to find just-signed and even unsigned bands and build them as the next big thing. If the band complies via record sales and live appearances then the mags go along for the ride, hype machine in full effect mode. Those bands who fail to meet the high standard set by Oasis, Arctic Monkeys or the Stone Roses are thrown out with the rubbish a year or so later only to appear in mocking "What went wrong?" retrospectives a few years down the line. It's all great fun but do the mags really understand that their no-stone-unturned approach has the potential to interfere with the organic rise and fall of bands? In other words, a scriptwriter can't be a historian simultaneously. Bring on the details but give these poor lads a chance to breathe.

31 October 2007

Happy Halloween Brutus

Everyone complains when there are dominant teams in college football and the outcome of the season seems predetermined. Now everyone is complaining that there are too many teams in with a shout to be in the BCS or even the National Championship Game. Why is this a problem other than that minor inconvenience of good teams never playing each other at a crucial point in the season/postseason to determine a champion?

A playoff may not be a panacea but the soul butter from the college presidents and bowl committees about history and tradition is hypocritical indeed when 2 1/2 months after college football ends the NCAA basketball tournament begins and suddenly many of those same people profess their love for a system where games and not polls decide a champion and big programs/conferences accept upsets as part of the landscape.

As of this writing Ohio State have been sleepwalking for two months and have awakened to find themselves atop the polls. This year's trip to Ann Arbor will be even more harrowing one given the stakes and the probable momentum built up by the Wolverines who will have admirably salvaged their season by then. There is plenty of precedent for a Buckeye season ruined by a pratfall at Michigan Stadium.

Let's assume OSU wins out. The folks in New Orleans are praying that no undefeated teams emerge from the Pac-10. Let's assume also that BC loses and that the SEC champion has only one loss. A one-loss LSU team would be a dream come true giving the Tigers a virtual home game and an absolutely insane buildup to the NCG. Then again, ask Georgia about those virtual home games like the Sugar Bowl against West Virginia that was played in Atlanta.

The problem for Ohio State is that they probably can beat anybody EXCEPT an SEC team. LSU wouldn't run the score up like Florida last year but would certainly provide the strongest possible opposition. Like so many teams in the top 10 or 25 OSU's season essentially begins now and even if they finish with a perfect mark at least some questions about their overall quality will be answered.

It seems mad that a program of LSU's caliber could lose two quality coaches in the space of four years but the cards are stacked against them. Once upon a time John Cooper became irresistible to Ohio State when his Arizona State team defeated Michigan in the Rose Bowl. With Lloyd Carr all but certain to step down Les Miles could write his own ticket back to Ann Arbor with a win over the Buckeyes in the NCG. He even SOUNDS like Bo Schembechler in his interviews - it's uncanny. For all the quality of the SEC programs the fierce competition manifests itself in some ugly ways, particularly unbridled criticism of coaches who bring home 9-3 records or better each year.

30 October 2007

Jol Be Sorry

I am hardly a Tottenham Hotspur supporter but still have a great deal of sympathy for them in their seemingly ceaseless quest to be a "big club."

Unfortunately big and small clubs alike are all too prone to hit the panic button. I echo the comments of many when I say THFC have sacked the best manager they've had in ages. They have written off this season intentionally or otherwise. Perhaps they fancy their new man is another Rafa Benitez but he likely will be just another Spanish hothead who will be good entertainment value even though the results will not improve greatly.

Good luck to Jol who handled the speculation and questions as best he could.

29 October 2007

You're going to agree or your not.

With the billions that have been spent on education why can't a huge number of graduates from the last two decades manage to use contractions properly?

What is so difficult about recognizing that an apostrophe (') takes the place of a letter, word and/or space? Moreover, what is so difficult about teaching and remembering it?

A recent billboard advertised
Beach Living At It's Finest
which means that at least three people (a copywriter, an editor/boss/publisher and an advertising sales rep) but probably more let this error pass undetected or unchanged. Renting a billboard can't be cheap. The folks doing the advertising may never know that their little typo is costing them potential customers - the kind with disposable income who justifiably avoid doing business with those who can't manage to use a single little apostrophe correctly.

The you're/your battle seems to be hopeless especially among the U21s.
Your just jealous, I hear them saying. Perhaps I am, but not of their usage.

Big Brother Australia/UK 2007 Review

Aleisha was the deserving winner of BBAUS2007. Her closeness with Emma provided her a much-needed emotional security blanket in the early going but Emma's departure allowed the public and the housemates to focus solely on Aleisha and all of her wonderful qualities.

Almost every housemate declares "I'm just going to be myself" then enters the BB house and proceeds to do completely the opposite. Aleisha never made such a pronouncement but succeeded in being herself and was rightfully rewarded. Future HMs should take note especially if they expect to win although it's doubtful they will.

BBUK2007 was a mixed bag. The females-only approach for the first week or seemed so obvious one wonders why they didn't try it before. No manipulation by BB was necessary; there was always going to be conflict with tetchy characters like Charley and Nicky in the mix.

The arrival and makeup of the male contingent was over-egged with predetermined alpha male Ziggy providing a focal point for most of the next few weeks. Chanelle was fetching but very vulnerable despite her bravado and Ziggy played her like a violin intentionally or unintentionally.

The twins - Sam and Amanda. Still don't know what quite to make of it all. Can two people sharing one personality really be that non-confrontational and sweet? Unlike 99% of housemates they simply shut down whenever a row broke out. Was it fear? immaturity? avoidance? On balance they were mostly good value and a breath of fresh air given all the streetwise tarts that have been a part of BBUK over the years. I would have backed them to win from the first day but sadly it didn't come to pass. I hope they have their post-BB fun (can't a hit factory at least give them an original song to sing?) and make a few bob then manage to go back to their apparently idyllic lives. The "Telepathic Twins" segment was funny and fascinating.

Winner Brian was likeable enough but he never managed to perfect his thick-but-sweet act to my satisfaction. Brian became a hero to many when he managed to silence a stunned Charley for a few moments in his first few days. He was good value in the Diary Room and his anti-SLOP rant is an all-time BB laugh for me....It's out of order!!!

These will be uncertain months for fans of BBAUS and BBUK. The UK edition has lost its freshness and the usual approach of throwing borderline psychopaths into a room and waiting for the claws to come out has to change or the audience will decline even more.

As many know Kris Noble the executive producer of the Australia series has departed. Was he pushed or did he jump? The recently-and-regrettably departed Gretel assured everyone during the finale that there would be a BBAUS2008 but the evidence is lacking so far.

Here we go

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
-George Bernard Shaw

I suppose the first post is the most difficult since it's expected to be profound, original and shake the Internet to its core with insight.

As the title suggests I don't expect to achieve any of those goals straight away but I'll get there eventually.

Greetings to those who may be reading these words and on to more substantive posts...